The Problem with Super Mario Bros


You all know it, the original Super Mario Bros. What a great game and how many hours have we collectively lost trying to save that Princess, only to find she’s in another tower. Heck, the cover of my wedding invitations are part Mario and the Princess.

But what’s really going on in that story?

The basics, as we can figure out from playing the original, is that the Princess was taken by King Koopa and Mario is trying to save her. This would lead you to believe that Mario is her boyfriend or husband. I mean, if the Princess of your country was taken who would you call first?

“Joe’s Plumbing, can I help you?”
“Yes, I need help saving a Princess.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“Our Princess has been taken. Can you and maybe one of your brothers come down and help us find her?”
“My brothers?”
“Sure, you know to help find her. And maybe bring your hammer, I’m sure there will be monsters and things to fight along the way so that seems the most logical weapon.”
“Look I’m a plumber..”
“I know, I’m so honored to have gotten through to someone who works in so valiant a profession. Anyway, she’s in one of 8 castles, not sure which one but I can send you to each of them and see if she’s there. If not I’ll be inside waiting to tell you to try another castle even though you had to fight your way through and avoid fire and… hello? Hello?”

Yeah, I’m sure it went something like that. Probably had to call a few different times until he found Mario.

Which leads me to the fact that MARIO has NEVER met the princess. He couldn’t have. Why not?

He’s a PLUMBER! If he were married to the princess he wouldn’t have to keep plumbing things. Luigi would probably still be a plumber and quite bitter at that. But Mario? No way!

So who IS Princess related to? Well let’s go by what we know. She’s a PRINCESS, and she’s stuck in a castle with a large oaf of a King. OBVIOUSLY she is the daughter of King Koopa. It’s really the only thing that makes sense. And now some rogue plumber has taken it on himself to kidnap her.

Would she EVER go out with Mario? He’s a plumber from a poor family, (Queen song running through my head), and he goes on an obsessive MURDEROUS rampage to kidnap the Princess. Seriously, he KILLS all of the kings men… AND turtles. Just because they look different than him and are standing in the way of his lustful desires.

"Bad Day at the Turtle Preserve"

“Bad Day at the Turtle Preserve”

Lastly, he brings his ‘brother’ Luigi with him. Could these two look more different? IF they are brothers and both plumbers wouldn’t they be working for the same plumbing company? Then why is Luigi’s uniform a different color than Mario’s  Clearly this ‘plumbing’ company is a front for something. Let’s see, they’re Italian rogues who go on killing sprees for lustful desires. What could they be?

If you have something against kids playing Grand Theft Auto, that’s fine, just remember the next time they are playing Mario Bros they are actually playing a game about a murderous Italian crime boss who tries to overthrow his government and kidnap the Kings daughter.

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