Two most evil words


While we are on the subject of evility (Its a word, no need to double check just trust me.) it came to my attention last night what the two most evil words in the world are.

Tear Here

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I shudder just thinking about them. These words are so evil they occasionally disguise themselves as other words such as, “Peel Here”, “Pull There”, and so on.

I speak of tiny packets of sauce. Little plastic pillows filled with flavor awesomeness. They look innocent enough, holding their contents and awaiting someone to come along and help them open but really, they are in on the joke too. You go to tear here and… well it doesn’t.

It helps if we look back at the origins of the words “Tear Here” to understand why they are so evil. When looking at the etymology of the words we find that they are a shortened compact version of a much longer phrase on the original sauce packets created in 1374 in Ye Olde Britain that read, “Tear Here, and if it doesn’t work you must be a bloody wanker then.” Wow, what sarcasm is packed into those two little words.

(The preceding is also true, already fact checked, no need to run off to wikipedia as I’m way more accurate than that site so just trust the geek.)

If we spoke frankly, the words SHOULD come with a disclaimer.

TEAR HERE*

*The phrase on this packet indicating you to tear here neither implicitly or explicitly implies that you CAN tear it or even that ‘here’ is the correct place. Only the good Lord knows whether or not the packet will tear and where the best place is and He can’t very well be bothered for such trivial matters now can He?

Sure it’s a little longer but it works I think. No? OK, how about just some further instructions.

TEAR HERE*

*To tear here, simply grasp either side of where ‘here’ is indicating with two separate hands, and pull in opposite directions. NOTE: If your hands are wet, greasy, cold, hot, damp, tired, or just plain having an off day then this will fail. Also note: If you tear too hard you will cover your dates blouse in mustard and she will totally not go out on a second date with you. However, if you tear too soft you will look like a bloody wanker and she will totally not go out on a second date with you. To avoid all disaster, simply slide a few packets into your pocket when she’s not looking, excuse yourself to the bathroom, and get a restaurant staff to assist you, then pretend to tear it when you get back to the table. Second date secured, after that you’re on your own.

I’m gonna need a bigger sauce packet.

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9 thoughts on “Two most evil words

  1. mother of geeks

    agreed on all counts…. i’ve lost count of the packages of shredded cheese, or frozen peaches meant for delicious smoothies… if you can tear them without scissors, you have my admiration, and if they reseal after you’ve taken what you want, i will bow down to your superiority. ketsup packages? i gave that up long ago….

    Reply
    1. Good Geek Ranting Post author

      I rarely get to reseal. I’ve gotten better at ketchup packs but then last night (that led to this rant) I was just trying to get into a couple of turkey burgers that were for no apparent reason whatsoever hermetically sealed off ready for launch into outer space.

      I can definitely relate to frozen fruits but now that we are on it, another bane of my food creation existence, the biscuits that you peel and they pop open. Either they don’t pop, or they pop and scare me, or biscuits fly across the room, and that really scares me. Why do I need to be scared to enjoy breakfast?

      Reply
      1. mother of geeks

        it isn’t food, but i bought a curling iron wrapped in one of those hermetically sealed packages…. scissors won’t even work on those!

        Reply
        1. Good Geek Ranting Post author

          No doubt. I once bought this really fancy knife, cause I’m all into cooking like that, and it was about a 30 dollar knife. The only item that could cut through the package to get into the knife was the knife inside said packages.

          And never buy scissors when you NEED scissors cause those are nearly impossible to get into as well. Did they not think this through?

          Reply
  2. pouringmyartout

    You did it again. You hit the nail on the head. When did we start making packaging that was beyond our technical ability to make well? Just last night I ‘tore there’… and the bag of pre-shredded cheese whcih I was trying to break into like a safe cracker foiled my attempts to penetrate its cheesy bounty. The strip tore off easily enough, but not far enough down to be past the stuck together part, if you see what I mean. I had to use scissors to cut farther down… further down?… and those re-closeable??? plastic zip-lock zipper things… don’t get me started. Sometimes you can’t reclose them. Sometimes you rip one side off when the package opens… ahhhhhhhhh…
    Stop getting me so stressed out.

    Reply
    1. Good Geek Ranting Post author

      Oh man I didn’t even think of all the cheese packaging that has foiled me all my life. Like the time cheese went flying all over the kitchen floor and I sat crying on my knees screaming that it wasn’t their time, please come back, we can be happy together, don’t go so soon.

      As far as the resealable packages? I figure there really ARE people in high places having fun at our expense going, “We’ll make it resealable, but then we’ll make it to where its impossible to open the package in a way to be ABLE to reseal it.”

      so much evil in the food industry, I think we are just scratching the surface here.

      Reply

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