While we are on the subject of evility (Its a word, no need to double check just trust me.) it came to my attention last night what the two most evil words in the world are.
I shudder just thinking about them. These words are so evil they occasionally disguise themselves as other words such as, “Peel Here”, “Pull There”, and so on.
I speak of tiny packets of sauce. Little plastic pillows filled with flavor awesomeness. They look innocent enough, holding their contents and awaiting someone to come along and help them open but really, they are in on the joke too. You go to tear here and… well it doesn’t.
It helps if we look back at the origins of the words “Tear Here” to understand why they are so evil. When looking at the etymology of the words we find that they are a shortened compact version of a much longer phrase on the original sauce packets created in 1374 in Ye Olde Britain that read, “Tear Here, and if it doesn’t work you must be a bloody wanker then.” Wow, what sarcasm is packed into those two little words.
(The preceding is also true, already fact checked, no need to run off to wikipedia as I’m way more accurate than that site so just trust the geek.)
If we spoke frankly, the words SHOULD come with a disclaimer.
*The phrase on this packet indicating you to tear here neither implicitly or explicitly implies that you CAN tear it or even that ‘here’ is the correct place. Only the good Lord knows whether or not the packet will tear and where the best place is and He can’t very well be bothered for such trivial matters now can He?
Sure it’s a little longer but it works I think. No? OK, how about just some further instructions.
*To tear here, simply grasp either side of where ‘here’ is indicating with two separate hands, and pull in opposite directions. NOTE: If your hands are wet, greasy, cold, hot, damp, tired, or just plain having an off day then this will fail. Also note: If you tear too hard you will cover your dates blouse in mustard and she will totally not go out on a second date with you. However, if you tear too soft you will look like a bloody wanker and she will totally not go out on a second date with you. To avoid all disaster, simply slide a few packets into your pocket when she’s not looking, excuse yourself to the bathroom, and get a restaurant staff to assist you, then pretend to tear it when you get back to the table. Second date secured, after that you’re on your own.
I’m gonna need a bigger sauce packet.