Hangers are for Fancy People


The title of this post came about through a conversation with my fiancée. Here is what I went to bed to last night.

Ok it was a little neater before I grabbed clothes out.

Ok it was a little neater before I grabbed clothes out.

Can you imagine the nerve? Not only did she wash my laundry she also chose to fold it and put it away neatly. Not only that, this was in my car this morning.

20130224_141039

That is a seat-belt extender, as I am big and my seat-belt is small. Can you believe that? She wants me to live… for now anyway. And on that note, I have yet to find poison in the food she gives me. She wants me to live now AND later.

Of course I jest, I am honored and humbled to have such an amazing woman. But it did all lead to the conversation that ended with, Hangers are for fancy people, and got me to realize two truths about hangers.

Single Men don’t need hangers
• Hangers are inherently evil

Point 1 – Men don’t need hangers. They are a luxury. We don’t understand the fuss and can do just fine without them. We are just fine with a pile of clothes or, if a girlfriend is coming over, a drawer stuffed with random items so they are not lying around. Yes we can wear a shirt more than once. Indeed we can wear a shirt and jeans, go to sleep in them, wake up and go to a friend’s house. GASP!

Indeed, at most, men need ONE hanger. Note, ONE hanger that when not in use is hanging in the closet holding our one suit (side note: Men need one suit). I say when not in use while hanging a suit in a closet as that is all it is doing. Simply wearing a suit and hanging around. If I wore a suit and went to work and just stood in a corner for 8 hours you would not say I was being useful. I am simply being a hanger.

When IN use the hanger would be getting some poor schlub, or more preferably a good looking woman’s, keys out of their car. That is the one and best use for hangers and can be done well and quickly by those in the know. This is also a big reason why plastic hangers are pointless.

Point 2 – Hangers are inherently evil. I’m sorry, I know people find them useful but come on, they are just pure evil. And I can prove it.

First, you speak of convenience in two ways, 1, we can quickly and easily find our clothes. Sure, IF YOURS aren’t in there. You have a billion clothes hanging in that closet and we own 4 shirts, 1 for Sundays and 3 that we rotate the rest of the week. I can’t find my shirts. And one of my shirts has been lost in your closet of cloth horror since we got together and you put them away. No really, its gone. Your clothes ate it. This is not convenient for me.

And you can’t say it’s convenient for you either since you stand there every day going, “I have nothing to wear.” WHAT?!?

You also speak of convenience in the phrase just grab a hanger and put it away. Just grab a hanger? Ok first, if I just reach in and grab a hanger, 4 others cling to it for dear life to escape as well, one of them still has one of your skirts on it. Don’t you see, even the HANGERS are suffocating in there and dying to get out.

And if there are hangers in a basket lying around, then they all cling together like the nacho chip that won’t leave without its plateful of buddies.

Then there are the different types of hangers. For men, there is the one type of hanger, metal. (See aforementioned singer good use of a hanger) But no, now there are plastic hangers and hangers with clips and hangers with no bottom part and hangers with like slits at the tops for something from the shoulders of your weirdly crafted clothes to hang on to because traditional hangers weren’t good enough. Then there are wooden hangers and even hangers with some sort of crochet around them. AGH! TOO MANY HANGERS!

Worse off, they all break but we continue to use them. The plastic one’s bottom breaks but you can put your little shirt on it so it’s still good. And the metal hangers that we do enjoy are bent into the shape of a pretzel, probably unable to stay straight with the pressure surrounding it. The wooden ones are not only broken but bite us when we go in there.

The long and short of it is, PLEASE let the clothes out. Even if you get a bigger closet with a walk in you still fill it up and we get this tiny spot in there. The walk in becomes your spot again when in all honesty the walk in closet would be the perfect place for us. Here’s what needs to be done and life will be better for all. Take all clothes out of the walk in and in their place put a large screen TV, a comfortable chair, a game system, and a mini fridge. How big of a TV? How big is the wall? If you ever get tired of us or we get tired of you complaining that there are clothes on the floor, we can go into our quiet little man hole.

You see, compromise is not that hard at all and we are all so much happier not dealing with those evil little hangers that barely want to hang anything. By the way, half of your clothes are falling off their hangers right now.

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