The Geek Gets Sticky

What makes the perfect crime? There have been movies, TV shows, books, songs, plays, and actual crimes all trying to figure this out.

Is it the plan? Is it the crew? Is it the timing? Is it the target of the crime? Is it simply getting away without getting caught? Just because a criminal never got caught, does that make them the perfect criminal?

You, YES YOU, may have even considered a crime or two in your life. I’m not saying you WOULD rob a bank or steal cars but the thought may have crossed your mind if you watch a lot of heist movies. But more likely, you’ve swiped a grape from the grocery store, picked up a dollar in your office without finding its owner, or broken into the contraceptive vending machine when you didn’t have 75 cents but were sure you were going to procure an act of coitus from your date… No? Just me? hmmmm.

Maybe, though, you have driven by the Heinz Ketchup factory and thought, “I’m gonna steal thousands and thousands of pounds of Ketchup and sell on the black condiment market.”

You HAVEN’T thought this? You think this sounds ridiculous? You can’t imagine anyone ever doing this?

Neither could I… Until I saw this story where millions of pounds of Syrup were stolen from the Canadian Reserve.

I’ll give that a moment to sink in. There IS a world Syrup reserve. And yes, someone decided to steal a bunch of the Canadian Ketchup.

This IS the perfect crime even IF they eventually get caught just for the fact that someone was able to drive up to the reserve, load up millions of pounds of the sticky icky that you can’t smokey, and leave and store it elsewhere without ANYONE noticing anything. No cameras? No Guards? No Mounted Patrol? No, just some fences and locks. Yes, I’m also glad the security professionals who were tasked with setting up this Fort Knox like set up were not also in charge of Americas Syrup (Ketchup) reserve. Where would we be without Ketchup?

And just how many barrels of syrup DID they get away with. 15,000.


FIFTEEN THOUSAND BARRELS! You know, like the old timey barrels you see in pirate movies? FIFTEEN THOUSAND OF THOSE! Who ever planned the heist that was able to sneak in over 30 semi’s to carry all these away without notice needs a movie made of them. “The Canadian Job” next summers smash hit, eh.

I can’t even imagine snatching 10 BOTTLES of ketchup from Wal-Mart without being stopped at the door, let alone 10 million pounds in 15,000 barrels.


If you are a criminal hoping for the greatest crime ever, give up. We’ve seen it all.


3 thoughts on “The Geek Gets Sticky

  1. gabrielgarbowota

    Absolutely perfect title. And this is indeed a strange story. Stranger still was that I heard it covered on National Public Radio. It’s always a good time to hear those folks go a little down-market with a kooky public-interest piece like this.


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