Today, I bring you a guest blogger. Please check out her blog, linked below.
What’s in a Name and The New Driver’s License
Today I’d like to thank Joshua for inviting me to be a guest blogger on his site. The poor dear, he has no idea what he’s in for. Neither do you, his regular readers.
The good news is that this is a one-time gig, unless for some reason he invites me back again.
The bad news is that you are possibly now sucked in and are waiting to see just how bad this can get.
Fear not, it will get bad.
When I first encountered Joshua, he liked something that I posted on my blog (www.mollyfield.com) don’t go there, you will definitely not be able to relate. I was intrigued by the “73” of his gravatar image (please don’t ask me what the what a gravatar is because I will then be forced to lie to you). Even though the gravatar entry shoved all the letters of his blog title / gravatar ID running together and despite my own penchant for meshing words and running them together and not using capital letters in some of my own dialogue at times, I simply didn’t make the connection that “goodgeekranting” was not:
- “goodge ekranting”: I assumed that “Goodge” was a last name and that “ekranting” (a word for which I have determined and finally conceded that not only there is no definition, but no “e” practice of the ‘kranting’ so I’ll have to make one up) was clearly something of which I was eIgnorant. Just on the motivation stemming from the fear that I was behind the times on something (oh, there is so much I’m behind the times of, for instance, why does “off the hook” connote anything other than being relieved of jury or other similar laborious obligation?) was reason enough to check it out.
- “Good Gee Kranting”: ‘Good’ as in “not bad,” Gee as in “Gee, those are swell shoes” and again, the Kranting, which I had also assumed was a last name.
Don’t worry, I see the irony in my picking apart a blog name. Mine, “Grass Oil,” is excessively random. I mean, where will you find less-organized content than at my blog? Oh, yes, at Good Gee Kranting. So on that basis, I also determined to give it a whirl (again fortified with the fear of being left out in the cold about what “kranting” means) because we random bloggers must support each other whenever possible.
- And then there was the case of intentional blindness: “Goo Gee Kranting.” Note: I completely missed the ‘d’ at the end of ‘good’ – which made this blog, ‘Goo’ as in “There is goo on the bottom of my shoes.” And ‘Gee’ as in “Gee, I sure would love to wear those swell shoes sometime … instead of the ones I am now that have the goo on the bottom of them.”
It wasn’t until I got to the site that I realized that it was “Good Geek Ranting” which then opened up a whole other mess of existential thoughts –see, I warned you that this was gonna get bad– as in, “If this is Good, then what constitutes ‘bad geek ranting’? I mean, is it a geek who is good who is ranting? But then that could be ‘Goodly Geek Ranting.’ Or is it the good rants of a geek? But then that could be ‘Geek Ranting Well.’ Or could it be the … look, there’s Elvis!
And so I went to About and then I learned the ways of the Good Geek Ranting. There are no Ways. The Geek rants and that’s how it is. And that’s cool with me.
Oh no, we’re not through here. I’m just getting warmed up.
Erma Bombeck (a hero of mine) once said, “If you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.” Someone less inventive, borrowing from Erma said, “If you look like your driver’s license photo — see a doctor. If you look like your passport photo — it’s too late for a doctor. ”
I say, “If you can’t make up your own material, find a new hobby.”
I also say, “The quickest, safest and cheapest facelift is a smile.”
I went to get my driver’s license updated about a month ago. I thought I had to go in, get the new picture (in which we are not allowed to smile in my home state) and be done with it. It was bad enough that I was having to update my license because I was turning 45, I felt the not smiling thing was rubbing salt and lemon juice on the abrasion. But they’re realists at the DMV, they know that when you’re being pulled over you’re not going to be smiling, so let’s just cut to the chase. What was worse than that? Having to go to DMV.
To my amazement, the trip took less than eight minutes from pick-a-number start to don’t-smile-just-look-at-the-camera finish.
I brought in my old ID for proof that I was me. Despite my opinions of the DMV, people actually like to go there to pretend they are someone else… The last time it was updated was five years ago when I was 40 and when we were allowed to smile:
So the lady behind the counter scanned the ID like we were at Best Buy, asked me to not smile and said we were done and told me to wait a week for the new ID to come in the mail. “Really? That’s it?!” I thanked the lady behind the counter for the brevity of the experience and told her that it was the best birthday present of all!
She said, “Ha, yes! How old?” and before I could say, she looked at the data she had on me and said, “Ohhh. Forty-five, hm.” I kinked my neck trying to understand what she meant. She didn’t say, “hmmm.” But “hm.”
I tried to shake it off but instead I put on weight, shrank about six inches and left muttering to myself, “Well at least I don’t work at the DMV where everyone makes jokes about you…”
The next week the envelope arrived. I was not excited about this picture. My dad has jowls and despite my dedication to health and fitness, I’m getting them. My mother does not have jowls. I favor my father in many ways, but many people say I look just like my mom… except in this way, I look like my father. I’d take her jaw line for his eyes any day.
But… “The quickest, safest and cheapest facelift is a smile.”
So I smile a lot ‘cept for at the DMV.
Here is the picture on the ID that arrived:
Hahah! That was so funny! You fell for it. You were curious to see how much I’d aged. Well, I should be nicer to you because I’m guest blogging. I should be real and authentic and honest.
After all, this is Goodge eKranting’s page.
I went to the DMV that day with make-up on. I did my hair real nice because I thought, “Crap, I can’t smile and so, the jowls have moved in, and … let’s make the best of it. Let’s give a picture that truly depicts how I would look in a mug shot or after being pulled over…. Here’s it is:
No smile! I’m sorry. I can’t. It’s a terrible picture and it totally looks like me. I can’t do it. And we just met. I need dinner and a movie first. I need… I need… I need…
But you’re not beautiful forever right? Beauty fades and ____ lasts. Whatevs.
Ok, I will. After all, if you can’t be real with total strangers, then like, who can you be real with?
After all, I think that’s how Alice would want to be remembered too.
Well, that’s all folks. Thank you Good Geek Ranting for having me. It was fun! I hope I didn’t scare any of you away. He’ll be back soon…
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