Miss Molly: What’s In A Name and The New Drivers License


Today, I bring you a guest blogger. Please check out her blog, linked below.

 

What’s in a Name and The New Driver’s License

 

Today I’d like to thank Joshua for inviting me to be a guest blogger on his site. The poor dear, he has no idea what he’s in for. Neither do you, his regular readers.

 

The good news is that this is a one-time gig, unless for some reason he invites me back again.

 

The bad news is that you are possibly now sucked in and are waiting to see just how bad this can get.

 

Fear not, it will get bad.

 

When I first encountered Joshua, he liked something that I posted on my blog (www.mollyfield.com) don’t go there, you will definitely not be able to relate. I was intrigued by the “73” of his gravatar image (please don’t ask me what the what a gravatar is because I will then be forced to lie to you). Even though the gravatar entry shoved all the letters of his blog title / gravatar ID running together and despite my own penchant for meshing words and running them together and not using capital letters in some of my own dialogue at times, I simply didn’t make the connection that “goodgeekranting” was not:

 

  1. goodge ekranting”: I assumed that “Goodge” was a last name and that “ekranting” (a word for which I have determined and finally conceded that not only there is no definition, but no “e” practice of the ‘kranting’ so I’ll have to make one up) was clearly something of which I was eIgnorant. Just on the motivation stemming from the fear that I was behind the times on something (oh, there is so much I’m behind the times of, for instance, why does “off the hook” connote anything other than being relieved of jury or other similar laborious obligation?) was reason enough to check it out.
  2. Good Gee Kranting”: ‘Good’ as in “not bad,” Gee as in “Gee, those are swell shoes” and again, the Kranting, which I had also assumed was a last name.

Don’t worry, I see the irony in my picking apart a blog name. Mine, “Grass Oil,” is excessively random. I mean, where will you find less-organized content than at my blog? Oh, yes, at Good Gee Kranting. So on that basis, I also determined to give it a whirl (again fortified with the fear of being left out in the cold about what “kranting” means) because we random bloggers must support each other whenever possible.

 

  1. And then there was the case of intentional blindness: “Goo Gee Kranting.” Note: I completely missed the ‘d’ at the end of ‘good’ – which made this blog, ‘Goo’ as in “There is goo on the bottom of my shoes.” And ‘Gee’ as in “Gee, I sure would love to wear those swell shoes sometime … instead of the ones I am now that have the goo on the bottom of them.”

 

It wasn’t until I got to the site that I realized that it was “Good Geek Ranting” which then opened up a whole other mess of existential thoughts –see, I warned you that this was gonna get bad– as in, “If this is Good, then what constitutes ‘bad geek ranting’? I mean, is it a geek who is good who is ranting? But then that could be ‘Goodly Geek Ranting.’ Or is it the good rants of a geek? But then that could be ‘Geek Ranting Well.’ Or could it be the … look, there’s Elvis!

 

And so I went to About and then I learned the ways of the Good Geek Ranting. There are no Ways. The Geek rants and that’s how it is. And that’s cool with me.

 

Oh no, we’re not through here. I’m just getting warmed up.

 

Erma Bombeck (a hero of mine) once said, “If you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.” Someone less inventive, borrowing from Erma said, “If you look like your driver’s license photo — see a doctor. If you look like your passport photo — it’s too late for a doctor.


 

I say, “If you can’t make up your own material, find a new hobby.”

 

I also say, “The quickest, safest and cheapest facelift is a smile.”

 

I went to get my driver’s license updated about a month ago. I thought I had to go in, get the new picture (in which we are not allowed to smile in my home state) and be done with it. It was bad enough that I was having to update my license because I was turning 45, I felt the not smiling thing was rubbing salt and lemon juice on the abrasion. But they’re realists at the DMV, they know that when you’re being pulled over you’re not going to be smiling, so let’s just cut to the chase. What was worse than that? Having to go to DMV.

 

To my amazement, the trip took less than eight minutes from pick-a-number start to don’t-smile-just-look-at-the-camera finish.

 

I brought in my old ID for proof that I was me. Despite my opinions of the DMV, people actually like to go there to pretend they are someone else… The last time it was updated was five years ago when I was 40 and when we were allowed to smile:

 

 

So the lady behind the counter scanned the ID like we were at Best Buy, asked me to not smile and said we were done and told me to wait a week for the new ID to come in the mail. “Really? That’s it?!” I thanked the lady behind the counter for the brevity of the experience and told her that it was the best birthday present of all!

 

She said, “Ha, yes! How old?” and before I could say, she looked at the data she had on me and said, “Ohhh. Forty-five, hm.” I kinked my neck trying to understand what she meant. She didn’t say, “hmmm.” But “hm.”

 

I tried to shake it off but instead I put on weight, shrank about six inches and left muttering to myself, “Well at least I don’t work at the DMV where everyone makes jokes about you…”

 

The next week the envelope arrived. I was not excited about this picture. My dad has jowls and despite my dedication to health and fitness, I’m getting them. My mother does not have jowls. I favor my father in many ways, but many people say I look just like my mom… except in this way, I look like my father. I’d take her jaw line for his eyes any day.

 

But… “The quickest, safest and cheapest facelift is a smile.”

 

So I smile a lot ‘cept for at the DMV.

 

Here is the picture on the ID that arrived:

 

 

Hahah! That was so funny! You fell for it. You were curious to see how much I’d aged. Well, I should be nicer to you because I’m guest blogging. I should be real and authentic and honest.

 

After all, this is Goodge eKranting’s page.

 

I went to the DMV that day with make-up on. I did my hair real nice because I thought, “Crap, I can’t smile and so, the jowls have moved in, and … let’s make the best of it. Let’s give a picture that truly depicts how I would look in a mug shot or after being pulled over…. Here’s it is:

 

No smile! I’m sorry. I can’t. It’s a terrible picture and it totally looks like me. I can’t do it. And we just met. I need dinner and a movie first. I need… I need… I need…

 

But you’re not beautiful forever right? Beauty fades and ____ lasts. Whatevs.

 

Ok, I will. After all, if you can’t be real with total strangers, then like, who can you be real with?

Here:

 

 

After all, I think that’s how Alice would want to be remembered too.

 

Well, that’s all folks. Thank you Good Geek Ranting for having me. It was fun! I hope I didn’t scare any of you away. He’ll be back soon…


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49 thoughts on “Miss Molly: What’s In A Name and The New Drivers License

  1. Pingback: Monthly Wrap-Up, Blog Changes and Housekeeping « Grass Oil by Molly Field

  2. Pingback: Weekly Wrap Up, Blog Changes and Housekeeping « Grass Oil by Molly Field

  3. jcmarketing343

    I just had to have my photo taken again at the DriveTest Centre (I’m in Canada…kinda like the DMV). I can’t wear my glasses and I have a lazy eye. So that equals nerves but it looks really good and my hair wasn’t even frizzy that day.

    Last time I went I didn’t realize my photo was being taken that day….needless to say having your braces off two days before; wearing your massive retainer; and wearing a black army jacket with a red shirt of a guy getting kicked in the privates = bad license photo.

    Reply
    1. Grass Oil by Molly Field

      hi there! thanks for your comment! i don’t know – i’d have to see that shirt of the guy getting kicked in the privates. i like it.

      and what’s with Canada and the no glasses thing?! i have another Canadian friend who commented that she had to take her glasses off too… i mean: how can you drive recklessly or rob a bank or hold up a 7-Eleven without your glasses on? I mean, if you drive without your glasses (me anyway because I’m 20/400) how do I know it’s my car?! I wear contacts, but I didn’t take them off for the photo; that would have been gross.

      all i can say is that i *truly* look just… bad in my new pic. like “you own $150,000 in taxes, your children have been living in a flood drain and your husband is a fugitive from the law” bad.

      Reply
      1. jcmarketing343

        It’s two stick figures so it’s vaguely cute…

        I know eh, I was like why not but maybe it’s because they have new security features like a hologram in one part of it. I’m practically blind without mine and I can’t wear contacts. What if the person that wears glasses looks totally different with them on…I know eh.

        Oh wow that’s awful. I think they should have to improve the lighting at the least. Also maybe bring back colour photos…the new ones are black and white.

        Reply
        1. Grass Oil by Molly Field

          same here. all of it. the holographic image is creepy. at any moment i expect to see princess leia say to me, “mollywankenobi, you’re our only hope…”

          Reply
    1. Grass Oil by Molly Field

      thanks!

      hey man, would you rather eddie vedder in one of his “smile at the camera and look sober but fun!” faces? i dig Alice. but his make up photo suited my mission. and i have to say: he looks great now without it. we all look much better without make up. (and i had no idea he was such a hottie in his youth! check him out!)

      Reply
        1. Grass Oil by Molly Field

          i know! i was cleaning my son’s bedroom today and i came across an old book of mine (a couple actually) and i’d inscribed “Mollie’s Book!! DO NOT TOUCH!” all over them.

          Reply
          1. Grass Oil by Molly Field

            it’s so funny! i was totally into possession and books and MINE at so young an age. it’s Richard Scarry’s “The Great Pie Robbery” and then “A Bear Called Paddington” is the other one. MINE. i love that my son has them in his room though. so cool.

          2. pouringmyartout

            Mollie is 13 now. Reads at almost a college level. I read a lot, wrote a novel, but I can hardly spell.

  4. Amy @mommetime

    Have I told you lately… how fabulous you are? You are fabulous and silly… excellent traits ya know! And, by the way, excellent ‘old’ I.D photo! The ‘ole DMV is a fun place to hang and people watch, but other than that it is a fairly painful experience… I totally rebelled against the no smile ‘rule’ … I gave a corner ‘smile’ where I lifted a corner of the lip up… it was like a 1/4 smile. I showed them… lol

    Reply
    1. Grass Oil by Molly Field

      hey Amy! thanks for swinging by! one day, when i look like … um… Maude from “Maude” I will show that latest ID photo. I didn’t smile, I wish I had. all i know is that it *might* be worth it to lose the ID and have the picture taken again. the expression is like i was told… by my son that he cleaned his room, and yet behind him, in his room, is nothing but chaos. or better this: that he told me he was leaving high school to join a house painting crew. (nothing wrong with house painters, but my son is not into hard labor.) it’s the “you’re kidding me, right” deadpan face. not pretty with the jowls.

      Reply
  5. Pingback: Tuesday Morning Press « Grass Oil by Molly Field

  6. It's A Dome Life

    Molly, you are so funny! I have to laugh about the jowls because I am getting them too. They are just beginning. I love the pictures of Alice. I never saw him when he was young. At least trips to the DMV are getting faster!

    Reply
    1. Grass Oil by Molly Field

      LC! thanks for swinging by! jowls suck. there, i said it. i really don’t know what else to do other than smile all the time. and well, that’s not allowed when i’m driving. thanks for reading! check out more of GGR, or Goodge eKranting. he’s funny.

      Reply
        1. Grass Oil by Molly Field

          less crazy, more loving. good combination. 🙂 i had the benefit of not marrying crazy so far; i hope my first husband feels that way too… although something in me suspects…

          Reply
  7. g00dg33kranting Post author

    Crap I forgot to mention something earlier.

    I can totally relate with figuring out the name. I have this thing with license plates that goes back to when I was a kid and here was this game show my Nana watched about figuring out personalized license plates.

    Anyway, almost everyday I walk into work I pass this car with a license plate that reads

    NOWEP4M

    It is REALLY bugging me. Months I have been on this… is it Know We Pee for Them? Who are they and why are you peeing for them? They might really have to go. Or is it Now he Pee form. I dunno on that one. What about No Weep Form?

    Seriously bugs me.

    Reply
    1. Grass Oil by Molly Field

      REALLY?! you HAD to do this just before bedtime?! I’ve got one: BDTYM4U. or… NOANSWER. or … BRAINNOTSLEEPNOW.

      it’s ok. really. this is the stuff i live for. figuring out anagrams on cars. actually, i’m pretty good at it, but i’m missing some context: state of license please? and anything else? in VA we have 60k different styles for our plates. is it like an alumni plate or a NY Giants plate?

      i will wait until the sun rises again to address this situation. until then: stand down. let it go. breathe… sleep. dream of sugar plums or dairy queen.

      Reply
        1. Grass Oil by Molly Field

          well, i hope you DO. context is everything. i suspect though that if it’s VA, it’s along the lines of “don’t cry for them, you bastards” – maybe not the “bastards” part…

          Reply
  8. Storeylines

    Molly, you are awesome, as always. Loved this – and by the way, I love the REAL explanation of the name, too!

    I also had the experience, just last week, of renewing my DL. They do not allow you to smile for the picture in Canada, either, and you have to take your glasses off. Still trying to figure that one out. . . . .

    Anyway, great guest blog, I recommend you have Molly visit again!

    Reply
      1. Grass Oil by Molly Field

        you guys are goofballs. (i replied on the wrong thread.) i’m glad i amused you! your site has a tone, Shua, where it’s incredibly easy to let the hair down and loosen the dentures. and of course, pretend you’re Alice Cooper.

        Reply
          1. g00dg33kranting Post author

            I’m often rude, always geeky, rarely funny, typically punny, and quite regularly sarcastic.

  9. Pingback: Go to Good Geek Ranting to Find My Guest Post … « Grass Oil by Molly Field

  10. radaronelson

    Awesome post. Loved it. Loved the Alice Cooper pics too. He is my all-time favorite singer. My wife says I have a man-crush..lol

    Reply
      1. radaronelson

        It was a nickname I got in early on in my career in the Air Force because I had a similar job to Radar O’Reilly on the show M*A*S*H* and some of his same quirks….ahhh I was him made over lets just put it out there lol but since my last name was Nelson they called me Radar O’Nelson so the nickname stuck and after 20 years I just keep it for everything.

        Reply
        1. Grass Oil by Molly Field

          I love it! That’s a great nickname story. My nick name is Molly, simply because when I was born my father said, “that’s no ‘Mary.'” and that was it. Mary’s a hard one to live up to. I am not worthy. So Molly stuck.

          Reply
          1. radaronelson

            LOL…..I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh but that made me chuckle. I’m sure you are worthy, they just didn’t know it at the time.

  11. g00dg33kranting Post author

    This is easily one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read and by far the best ever on my blog… the Bar has been raised, (No offense but my bar was pretty low to begin with… I like it that way.)

    Anyway, thanks for the blog and I hope you will consider doing it again cause your style totally fits in.

    Now I feel the need to explain how silly my blog name really is. Good Geek Ranting was a play on Good Will Hunting…

    Yeah, I totally like your explanations better.

    Reply

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