My mind races over the tentative list of priorities. The clock ticks closer to 0-hour. My mind races over priorities v. finances. It doesn’t work or make any sense. The clock ticks again. My mind tries to focus on the task at hand… I must do this, then that, then this one, then that one… My focus fades as the clock ticks again. It seems like some kind of demonic math / code formula.
NerveLevel = Reality * (1 / (1 * timeToZeroHour))
The closer it gets, the more nervous I get.
Sweat covers my hands as they search for answers.
I’ve never been nervous like this before….
My body quivers and shakes… not like I’m cold, this resonates deep inside, tearing through my being.
The two scenarios bounce back and forth in my head… Both equally frightening for completely different reasons.
1. I don’t get hired… I’m back at square 1. I have to find my way back ‘home’. (Home… that makes me laugh… not outloud, but inside, in that sadistic sarcastic laugh I’ve heard myself pull out only a few times in my life. Like when my Dad’s funeral was on April Fools Day.) I have nothing and all this build up and all this excitement means nothing. I have to tell the few people that do still care about me that it didn’t work out… I’m still a ‘bum’ with no ability to conjure a view of the future in my fleeting imagination.
2. I do get hired. I don’t start work for 2 weeks. I have to find a place to live on limited income in a new city. The few people that do still care about me are no longer around. I no longer get to see my son just, anytime. Now its when I’m able… once a month… maybe less. I know no one. I’m in an unfamiliar place, with an unfamiliar job, and still homeless, for now.
The clock ticks again.
Did I spend that long thinking of each scenario? Why aren’t I ready? In my mind I was getting prepared… I AM prepared. Yet boxes lay empty, shelves remain full, clothes remain dirty, and the car remains without gas. I check the date. Valentines Day.
Now its life whose sadistically laughing at me. Alone, beaten, defeated, depressed, unsure, and alone. Doubly alone. I wish I’d had the money to leave town and do the interview today so I could just know and move on with my life or lie down and take it. The clock ticks again. But I was practical, I knew I wouldn’t be able to go today yet at the same time I did not remember today was Valentines until it had already run over me with a pink polka-dotted VW Beetle.
My mind is done. My soul is tired. Song lyrics ring through my head now. “Life you could be a little softer to me. Life could you be a little gentler to me. Yeah I know, this is a selfish plea.. because Christ sacrificed, his life on the cross for me… But this world is hard its, cruel and I wish it would be… softer… softer…. softer to me.”
The last few words escape my mouth quietly as they rang in screams in my head. I’m so rested, but my whole being, mind, soul, emotions are so tired. I want to go back to bed and sleep until its over. But then… my mind races over all there is to do…
And the clock ticks again.