The Geek Gets Scared


My mind races over the tentative list of priorities. The clock ticks closer to 0-hour. My mind races over priorities v. finances. It doesn’t work or make any sense. The clock ticks again. My mind tries to focus on the task at hand… I must do this, then that, then this one, then that one… My focus fades as the clock ticks again. It seems like some kind of demonic math / code formula.
NerveLevel = Reality * (1 / (1 * timeToZeroHour))

The closer it gets, the more nervous I get.

Why?

Sweat covers my hands as they search for answers.

I’ve never been nervous like this before….

My body quivers and shakes… not like I’m cold, this resonates deep inside, tearing through my being.

 

The two scenarios bounce back and forth in my head… Both equally frightening for completely different reasons.

1. I don’t get hired… I’m back at square 1. I have to find my way back ‘home’. (Home… that makes me laugh… not outloud, but inside, in that sadistic sarcastic laugh I’ve heard myself pull out only a few times in my life. Like when my Dad’s funeral was on April Fools Day.) I have nothing and all this build up and all this excitement means nothing. I have to tell the few people that do still care about me that it didn’t work out… I’m still a ‘bum’ with no ability to conjure a view of the future in my fleeting imagination.

2. I do get hired. I don’t start work for 2 weeks. I have to find a place to live on limited income in a new city. The few people that do still care about me are no longer around. I no longer get to see my son just, anytime. Now its when I’m able… once a month… maybe less. I know no one. I’m in an unfamiliar place, with an unfamiliar job, and still homeless, for now.

The clock ticks again.

Did I spend that long thinking of each scenario? Why aren’t I ready? In my mind I was getting prepared… I AM prepared. Yet boxes lay empty, shelves remain full, clothes remain dirty, and the car remains without gas. I check the date. Valentines Day.

Now its life whose sadistically laughing at me. Alone, beaten, defeated, depressed, unsure, and alone. Doubly alone. I wish I’d had the money to leave town and do the interview today so I could just know and move on with my life or lie down and take it. The clock ticks again. But I was practical, I knew I wouldn’t be able to go today yet at the same time I did not remember today was Valentines until it had already run over me with a pink polka-dotted VW Beetle.

My mind is done. My soul is tired. Song lyrics ring through my head now. “Life you could be a little softer to me. Life could you be a little gentler to me. Yeah I know, this is a selfish plea.. because Christ sacrificed, his life on the cross for me… But this world is hard its, cruel and I wish it would be… softer… softer…. softer to me.”

The last few words escape my mouth quietly as they rang in screams in my head. I’m so rested, but my whole being, mind, soul, emotions are so tired. I want to go back to bed and sleep until its over. But then… my mind races over all there is to do…

 

And the clock ticks again.

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7 thoughts on “The Geek Gets Scared

    1. g00dg33kranting Post author

      For the most part… I’m in Tulsa now, I think I got the job as my interview went great I’m just waiting to hear final word… the only problem I have at the moment is I don’t have enough for a hotel this week now that I’ve spent all the money to get up here so I will be trying to find places to crash in my car or at homeless shelters until next Tuesday when I get my next check… but after that it should be smooth sailing… I feel very calm in this city even with these circumstances though and it just… feels like home… even without a home or address to call my own. Once I get the ability to relax for any longer period of time than today I’ve got a few posts waiting to spill out of me. 🙂 I just haven’t felt much like writing them out yet…

      Reply
        1. g00dg33kranting Post author

          Awww, that’s sweet you worry about me, but there’s no need… not yet, anyway… I’m a survivor… (Ugh, now I have that song stuck in my head…) I meant, I WILL SURVIVE! by Cake… yeah, that’s the ticket.

          Reply
        2. g00dg33kranting Post author

          By the by, while its on my mind, someone found my blog with the following search term…
          ‘Black Lab Onesie’

          Now, the onesie is no surprise, that and the Star Wars 3d post get more hits than anything (I see a revolution of onesie wearing jedi’s) but who… WHO I ASK YOU, wants to put a onesie on their dog… isn’t that just called a burlap sack? I feel so sorry for their dog…

          Reply
  1. booksnob

    I know, it’s always super scary to go through all this.

    I’m usually the pessimistic one, and have a hard time seeing that things could actually turn out…but then I get chewed out for it by everyone else.

    Allow me to be positive for you?

    Reply
    1. g00dg33kranting Post author

      Hey, you be as positive as you want… I like that you’re NOT chewing me out for my pessimism as I know that feeling quite well also. I’m not always looking at the bad side of things, I actually tend to look at both sides of MOST things but a long time ago I thought, “If I expect good and get bad, I’m gonna feel bad… if I expect good and get good, I’ll feel good… but if I expect bad and get GOOD, I’ll feel great…” Yeah, one of those teen angst things I think… What can I say, I went through a emo (Real emo, like Sunny Day) / screamo phase that never really went away.

      Reply

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